The Importance of Overcoming Guilt

Guilt was never a rational thing; it distorts all the faculties of the human mind, it perverts them, it leaves a man no longer in the free use of his reason, it puts him into confusion.
~ Edmund Burke

Guilt is, simply put, a wrong notion. Guilt is paralysing, destructive. You think you have done something you shouldn’t have; you hadn’t done something you should have.

Guilt is the false idea that you could have done better; that you had the power to choose. But if you look deeply into it, you will see that you were helpless. There was simply no choice.

There might still be tears and sadness, efforts at reparation might still be needed – but deep down inside, there will be a measure of peace, resting in the knowledge that you were not at fault.

Update: People seem to miss the statement above – “efforts at reparation might still be needed”, and the closing statements at the end of the article. Many think I’m advocating just ignoring the whole thing, or somehow that what we’ve done is right. I am suggesting that if we have done something unwise or hurtful, we let go of beating ourselves up, because it accomplishes nothing and sometimes can actually keep us doing it (however paradoxical it might sound). For instance, if I cheated someone’s money, torturing myself with guilt keeps me stuck and often helpless. This does not mean it was the right thing to do, or that I don’t repay what I owe! In fact, the more I heal my guilt, the more likely I am to do the right thing, and make amends if needed.

Understanding Guilt

The death of guilt comes with the realisation that you could have done nothing else. Your emotional state, your past conditioning, your beliefs and knowledge, your instincts and intuition – they were just too strong. A beach ball, separated from its owner, pulled along by the raging waves – what can it do? It is dragged out, lost at sea. Who can blame it?

Without awareness, we are without control, completely at the mercy of our past.

Relax your body; close your eyes. Think of the last time you felt angry. Place yourself, as best as you can, back in time.

Perhaps someone had made a comment, one that is designed to hurt; immediately you are engulfed in a storm of emotions and thoughts. It pulls you with such force, it takes over your body – and you begin to react. Your voice becomes deeper, louder, and you begin to shout in rage.

Right now you might be safe, in an office, at home. That person is just a memory, but still the urge to shout is there. You recognise it now – you can see the anger, you can feel the compulsion to act. But you don’t, because you are aware. And with this awareness you begin to see a different possibility. You can hold your anger down now; there is no longer a need to shout.

But you lacked that recognition, and therefore that choice, in the past. Your mental and emotional patterns had taken over, and you didn’t know – the awareness was simply not there! You could have done nothing else.

Given what was happening inside you, outside you at that time, you did the best you could!

Guilt is born the moment we know better. Guilt is created the moment we think back, the moment we see the hurt we have caused. Hindsight creates the lie that we had a choice. But we didn’t. We always do our best, restricted only by our awareness.

The Pull of Unconsciousness

One day I was at a train station with a friend. The train had been delayed, and I was getting bored. I leaned back on the bench, crossed my legs and began shaking my foot. It was just an old habit, one I rather enjoyed. My head was off in the clouds, and I was suddenly snapped back into reality when my friend reached over and slapped my thigh.

“Stop shaking!” he said. “It’s annoying!”

Amused, I stopped, but after a few seconds my thoughts began to drift, and my foot began to shake once more. My friend slapped my thigh again. “Why can’t you stop?” he asked. I shrugged – I don’t know.

I don’t know. That was simply how most of us live our lives. Without awareness, we simply don’t know what we are doing. The past is in control. Without awareness, we are slaves to our unconscious impulses.

Psychologists and Buddhist teachers alike have identified these patterns inside each of us. They have different names for it, of course, but they all refer to the same thing: patterns, instincts, old conditionings, beliefs, emotional states, perhaps a wound that is still bleeding.

The possibility of choice only comes with consciousness – when these patterns arise, can we recognise them for what they are, instead of getting pulled along by their force?

Ten Thousand Influences

The lie of guilt becomes even clearer when we begin to consider our emotional states, our physical states – and even the temperature and humidity.

I get mildly annoyed whenever I have to repeat myself. It is normally almost imperceptible – a minor difference in my tone of voice, a small frown. A long time ago, I was having an awful, stressful week. The first chance I got, I jumped into my car and went for a cruise to clear my head. Not long after, a friend rang to ask me where I was.

“Just cruising, not going anywhere in particular,” I mumbled. “What?” she asked.

My awareness was low, obscured by my stress, and the irritation was amplified – it took over completely.

“NOWHERE!” I shouted. And I didn’t even realise I had shouted, that I had hurt her feelings, until days had passed.

And this was no different from a night of hard drinking. Our consciousness has dropped, old mental-emotional patterns have arisen. No longer could we catch them before they take control. And the results are the stuff of songs and stories! We lose our inhibitions, we wake up in bed with someone we dislike, perhaps we end up crying, dancing, or singing like a fool.

These patterns are constantly there, running our lives underneath our conscious awareness. Why do many people have the same relationships with different lovers? A man dates a series of women who all lie to him; a woman dates a series of men who all cheat on her. Their past, in whatever form, is in control, making their choices for them. They had no say at all.

This is my favourite definition of the word Karma – until we can become aware of our past, aware enough to choose, we unconsciously have to relive it again and again.

An Automatic and Involuntary Reaction

And to drive the point in, we have to consider the countless external factors that come into play.

Consider this passage from The Book by Alan Watts:

“The illusion that organisms move entirely on their own is immensely persuasive until we settle down, as scientists do, to describe their behaviour carefully.”

A scientist will soon discover that in describing the movement of an ant, for instance, he will soon have to take into account other factors – food sources in the area, hostile or friendly behaviour of other organisms, and countless other factors…

“The more detailed the description of our ant’s behaviour becomes, the more it has to include such matters as density, humidity, and temperature of the surrounding atmosphere, the types and sources of its food, the social structure of its own species, and that of neighbouring species with which it has some symbiotic or preying relationship.”

“When at last the whole vast list is compiled, and the scientist calls “Finish!” for lack of further time or interest, he may well have the impression that the ant’s behaviour is no more than its automatic and involuntary reaction to its environment. It is attracted by this, repelled by that, kept alive by one condition, and destroyed by another.”

Why am I sitting at home now, on a beautiful summer afternoon, instead of being out by the beach? At first glance, it might seem like a conscious choice. But on dissection, one can see the countless factors that have led up to this point. The heat makes me wilt; the humidity makes me grumpy; my lack of sleep makes me too tired to drive out; my workload meant I have not had any writing time for a while.

Guilt is useless

Guilt is unhealthy – completely, utterly useless.

Why then, do we continue to indulge in it? There is a mistaken belief that guilt is atonement, that somehow it will make things better, perhaps motivate us to make reparations.

But that is simply not true; it is the opposite. It is dead weight; it constantly drags us down. All our mental energies are wasted on punishing ourselves, keeping us in low spirits, keeping us weak. This shows up in many forms: depression, low self-confidence and self-esteem, constant rumination.

How does a weak, sickly man make amends?

How can self-punishment possibly do anything but bring more misery into life? Punishment might scare us into not doing something, but the patterns are still there. You must have seen this for yourself. A child is punished for eating sweets before dinner; all that has done is put a layer of pain over her desire for candy – it is still there. There won’t be any lasting change or improvement. Even in psychological treatment, punishment to stop undesirable behaviour is always the last option.

End the guilt; bring an inner acceptance to our lives. Then the energy begins to spring forth – bringing quality to our actions, giving us the courage to sincerely apologise, to make amends.

Make a resolution to learn from your mistake, to become more mindful, more aware of yourself. With this mindfulness comes increased awareness – when you see the past conditionings arising, can you remain aware enough to have a choice?

The end of guilt

Make a decision now to cease all self-punishment, to return to health, to take steps towards mental maturity.

Ending guilt does not mean what happened was right, that you can do it again. It doesn’t mean you are justified in going out there and doing it again, under the excuse – I don’t know any better!

A healthy man learns from the past, makes amends, and corrects his mistakes. A neurotic is mired in the past, trapped in his own mental prison, constantly condemning himself, hoping for a better past.

The Key To Behavioural Mastery: Letting Go

In the months past, we’ve discussed how our attachments, our desires, are the root of much of our painful habits.

But what do we do, then? What if the usual methods of handling our behaviours are making them worse? This article details some of these errors, and provides a long-term solution, the most useful I have come across: simply dropping the rubbish.

Suppression

The first thing to know is that we cannot deny our desires, pretend they don’t exist, push them down. Repressed cravings, like emotions, will simply resurface in the future with greater intensity, in a different form, or create psychological and physical symptoms.

A good friend of mine used to overeat compulsively, and one day decided to stop using sheer will-power. Soon afterwards, she began smoking heavily, but she justified it by saying it helped her lose weight. When she decided to stop that, again using will-power, she started drinking almost nightly.

Why was this so? She had changed her external behaviours over the years, but the driving forces inside her remained the same. She was shocked when she begun to practise awareness, she told me – for she discovered the triggers for all these behaviours stemmed from the same insecurities and fears.

Many of the ways we handle our desires and attachments are helpful, but are merely temporary measures. I am not saying that channelling your energy into other outlets, or quitting a bad behaviour through force of will is wrong, if they work for you – but they are not permanent solutions.

Further, these techniques create more inner conflict. The craving itself is causing us pain. We are adding to it every time we fight it; force it down; beating ourselves up or feeling guilty about indulging.

Please note that this article has a general behavioural focus; I am not an expert on addiction. The addictions I have quit, and therefore discuss here, are fairly minor – cigarettes, painful mental habits (rumination), and various other unhealthy lifestyle choices. So if you are dealing with a serious addiction, this is not a replacement for whatever program you are on, but something that can be attempted in conjunction.

Based on my research and discussions with others, the principles are the same, regardless of the habit or behaviour you want to change.

Bringing Awareness To Your Behaviours

What then, can we do? In my experience, the best practice is to let go of all your painful attachments, behaviours, habits, and tendencies.

To do so, we first need awareness, mindfulness. The first post of this series contains a section on analysing your negative habits. This step alone will raise your awareness of how it manifests in your life, the possible root causes and insecurities. This is a tremendous step, so please take the time to try it.

The mind will often fight this exercise. This is the cutting to the core of our suffering – and we will do anything to avoid looking at parts of ourselves we do not want to see. The mind screams, fights, tricks, deceives – anything to get us to avoid the pain. Some people even begin to feel dizzy or bored.

Lorne Ladner, in The Lost Art of Compassion , provides some useful questions.

Analyse your behaviours –

What were you feeling at the time?
Does it come when you are stressed or angry?
When you are reminded of something in your past?
When you are feeling lonely, unloved, insecure about something?
Does it come during a specific time in the day?
Is it associated with other feelings?
What were some of the triggers?
I first started smoking a while ago, for instance, when I felt lonely. It was after a break-up, and whenever I felt insecure about my attractiveness, or saw other happy couples, I would run and hide behind a cigarette.

Awareness In The Moment

With this background work, it is easier to bring awareness to your actions in the moment. Be mindful of what you are feeling; try to catch yourself when the triggers present themselves. Thich Nhat Hanhcalls them habit energies, and I think that is a beautifully apt name.

Sometimes you’ll only realise what you’ve done when it is over. Don’t make a problem out of it. Slowly, you’ll catch yourself sooner and sooner in the habitual cycle. In time, you’ll be able to stop yourself before the behaviour even starts.

Awareness and the habit energies that drive us are so broadly applicable that they can be applied to almost anything. I’ve found people tend to be “locked in” by my examples, so I’ll select from several different examples – some successful, some not – in the hopes it can stimulate your own explorations.

Anger Habits

The first example would be my anger habits. A few weeks ago I had a big online argument with a close friend. I have not had reason to be so angry for a long time, and as a result I was not actively watching out for habit energies in that area. In addition, much of my habits around anger have been let go of, and I thought I was done with it. I did not realise some old and stubborn habits had remained hidden inside me.

My friend managed to press just the right buttons, and in that moment I was overwhelmed and piled on him several abusive and foul-mouthed messages.

As the days passed, my thoughts would flash back to the argument, and as the anger arose again, I felt the urge to contact him again to start another fight. Sometimes the habits got too strong, but with awareness, I dropped many of these urges before I acted on them.

Mental Habits

Another area we can apply this to would be our mental life. When I began personal development, I used to have a strong tendency to drift off into painful memories, replaying them endlessly in my head. Often I would suddenly look at the clock and realise I had spent the past two hours reliving an old insult, fantasising about revenge. Over the months that followed, I began to “snap out” of the reverie sooner. In time I managed to bring awareness to the triggers that would start such self-pity sessions, and have stopped them altogether.

Social Behaviour

The last example would be in the social world. I used to indulge in approval seeking behaviour – trying to manipulate people into liking me by smiling too much, showing too much false interest, or exaggerating accomplishments. It was a deeply ingrained habit, based on the false belief that I was not likeable simply for whom I was.

This habit was a bit more complex simply because of the countless ways my insecurity showed up; but it is useful to note that we do not have to be aware of them all. Start with a few – excessive smiling, boasting – and you’ll find the others much easier.

Again, be gentle with yourself. While some people can make tremendous progress in days or weeks, it would be more realistic to measure your progress in months.

The Growing Awareness

Some people spontaneously drop their habit energies when they become aware of it. But don’t make it a problem if you don’t – simply stop and take a few deep breaths when the habits arise.

By doing so, you are interrupting the loop, and being mindful of what it is. Thich Nhat Hanh puts it simply – smile internally. Hello, habit energy. And let it pass through.

In doing so, we disconnect with our compulsions –

“I have to make this person love me” becomes “This is my tendency to supplicate.”

“I WANT TO KILL HIM!” becomes “Hello, anger energy.”

“I need to smoke!” becomes “My insecurities have been brought up again.”

How much freedom comes from that one shift!

Letting Go

If we see our habits and compulsions are simply energy, perhaps blocks of thoughts and feelings – we can simply let them pass through us.

What are you thinking now? What were you thinking five minutes ago? Where did they go, where did they come from? Thoughts and feelings simply come and go, and that is what they are supposed to do.

Our minds have been wrongly habituated to hold on to certain thoughts and feelings, when the natural, healthy, response is to simply let them through. And so freedom comes in retraining our minds, to go back to what they are supposed to do: let go.

How Do We Let Go?

So how do we release? First, feel these energies completely without repressing them. Say hello to them; let them be there for a few seconds. In the first two posts, we have seen that these habits, cravings, and attachments merely cause our suffering. They don’t satisfy us for long; at best, they are a temporary relief. And finally, we’ve discussed that we can still enjoy what we have, in fact enjoy them even more, without the associated cravings.

With that in mind, simply try dropping it. This can be a difficult process to learn, because most of us have never tried it before. The first time you do it, you probably won’t get it right. Drop it, in the same way that we loosen our grip on a pencil and simply let it fall to the floor. Relax, soften up internally and physically, and let it go.

If you are having troubles with this, a technique from NLP might help. What is your strongest sense? If you prefer seeing, try to picture your habit energy. What colour is it? What does it look like? Does it have a shape, a picture?

If you prefer, try hearing it. What does it sound like? Is it a voice? What is the tone? Is it a sound? An animal?

Or you can feel it – is it a tightness in your chest, a heat in your neck, or any other sensation?

Then whatever it is, try dropping that. Don’t get too caught up in these imaginings, they are training wheels, meant to be discarded at the right time.

Miracles May Happen, But Don’t Expect Too Much

If you do let go of the desire, you probably won’t get any fireworks or excitement. You won’t feel any deflation or anything negative either. You just feel the urge has lessened, or that you feel satisfied and relaxed without having indulged in it.

The first time I heard about letting go was from a Buddhist teacher I met a long time ago. I tried it for a day or two, didn’t feel any different, and simply gave up on it. This is a common mistake – while some people can drop it all immediately, many cannot. The habits are so strong, have been there for so long, that we are dropping bits and pieces of it.

The desire might return in the future, and it might feel just as intense, but it doesn’t mean that you’re doing something wrong. It just means that you haven’t dropped enough to see a significant difference. This is especially true when we are learning how to do it. Dropping becomes faster and easier the more we practice, so please don’t get discouraged.

Further, realise that these desires are surface expressions of something far deeper, something that has possibly been there for decades. It doesn’t always go away in a few days.

Realizing We Secretly Want Our Suffering – A Process for Emotional Healing

There was something I discovered recently, something that sounds so absurd and yet so simple. As much as I want to be free of whatever I am suffering – there is a part of me that wants it.

Whatever I was facing – sorrow, anger, guilt, hatred, resentment, fear – I wanted it just as much as I hated it. This sounded insane to me, and I’m sure many readers will feel the same way when they think of their own lives. These emotions hurt, tremendously. Why would we want to be this way? Have not the past two years of my life revolved around freedom from suffering?

And it has. With all the work I’ve done in the past two years, things have shifted tremendously. But there are many times I have gotten stuck, when nothing changed no matter what I did. I’ve found this to be a major reason. Even if you don’t believe in this concept, I suggest you take a few minutes to try it for yourself, or at least keep it in mind. If you get stuck in the future, it might be exactly what you need.

The Process

This process builds on the usual emotional work of welcoming the emotion, or letting go of it. If you are not familiar with at least one of them, please pick one and read that article first. However, if you prefer working with thoughts instead of feelings, please read on.

An example might make the process easier to understand. There was a man I met in my teens, and he gave me my first experience of heavy racist abuse. Even now, certain events, people, and places would remind me of him, and bring up unresolved feelings of hatred, shock, and grief. Over the past years, I had done much emotional work on the issue, and while greatly reduced, a lot of it refused to budge.

One day, I realized that while I consciously wanted to be free of it, a denied and hidden part of me wanted to be hurt and angry. And a big part of healing was simply done by getting in touch with this want. I would sit down, close my eyes, and relive the abuse. And this time, when the emotions arose again, I didn’t begin emotional work.

This time, I said to myself – I want to feel this way. I WANT IT. The purpose of this is to shift your focus. This is not to get in touch with the feeling, but the part of you that wants it, the part that is behind the scenes, so to speak. For our current purposes, there really isn’t any need to analyze why it wants to feel this way.

Sometimes this will intensify the current feeling. Often, it will bring up a different feeling. Behind my anger, for instance, was a myriad of other emotions. Fear, abandonment, sorrow. Welcome that feeling. It has been hidden and denied for so long, and we need to get in touch with it. Bring it up; increase it; feel it completely and explore it.

Next, use your preferred emotional work on this new feeling – welcome it, or let it go. (While I refer to these as different approaches, as they were for me in the past, these days they’re really just the different ways of doing the same thing.)

I highly recommend, if this clicks with you, that you spend a few days working on this hidden want. Then, return to your original feeling and process that out. I think you’ll be surprised at how much easier you’ll be able to let go of your original feeling.

Working with Thoughts

In internal work, there are usually two types of people. One prefers the emotional approach and the other prefers working with thoughts. For the second group, one can also use The Work of Byron Katie on this.

You can try working with statements like: I want to hurt him, or I have to be angry at him. The 3rd and 4th questions, which examine cause and effect, would be particularly powerful in this regard.

Update

I can’t help but feel that I have been unclear somewhere in this article, so I would just like to add this section to clear it up. This is for times when we can’t let go of our pain and suffering. As much as we consciously say that we want to, there is also a part that doesn’t. This process is to get in touch with that part, and work with it, before returning to the primary feeling. I’ve found that simply doing this process for a few days on all my long standing resentments and hatreds have allowed the primary suffering to dissolve really quickly.

For those of us who are suffering and consciously revel in it, this might be a good idea also. Do some work on the wanting to suffer, and then return to the primary suffering itself. Hope that clears a few things up.