How to make your ex want you back?


Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) Related to How To Make Your Ex-Partner, Girlfriend, or Boyfriend Want You Back After A Breakup

How to make your ex want you back?

  • If you find yourself wanting your ex back and are wondering how to make your ex want you back, it’s important to first think about your previous relationship when you were together. Was it a healthy relationship? Did you feel happy together? Were you your best version of yourself?
  • Also make sure you’ve tried the no contact rule. This is when you avoid having any contact post breakup even on social media. If you’ve been in a long-term relationship that ended, this no contact period of time can be important for identifying what went wrong. It provides you the time and space that you need to gain perspective before rushing back in the relationship.
  • Sometimes it can be easy to want your ex back just because it makes you feel comfortable. But that doesn’t mean it’s right. So, before spending time trying to figure out how to get your ex back take time to decide if you really want to. Can you be together and have a health relationship? Or, would it be better in the long run to move on and eventually find yourself in a new relationship?
  • If you decide that you do want your ex back, then it can still be helpful to follow the no contract rule. Going through a no contact period of time might be just the thing to make your ex want you back. When they aren’t seeing you, spending time with you, getting text messages or even interacting with you on social media, they may start to realize how much they miss you.

Should I tell my ex boyfriend I miss him?

  • The answer to this question is, “it depends.” Are you in the first few days post breakup? Are they in a new relationship already? Have you had the time and space to really process what happened in the break up and if it’s a good idea for the two of you to be together?
  • In order to provide yourself time to process everything that happened it can be good to follow the no contract rule. Avoid interacting with him for a while Many people recommend doing at least two weeks. This no contact period of time provides you with time and space to see how you really feel. This can stop you from telling him you miss just because you feel uncomfortable as you learn to be on your own.
  • If you go through this period of time and still find yourself wanting to spend time with him and you’re ready to fall in love with him all over again, then you could consider breaking the no contact period to talk with him and let him know how you feel. But it’s important to remember that it’s OK if you change your mind during this time.

Can love fade away and come back?

  • The feelings of love can fade away and come back stronger at other times. But it’s important to understand that it doesn’t necessarily mean that you are falling out of love and then fall in love again. Love moves through different stages and levels. The initial feelings that you get in a new relationship when you fall in love eventually change. Instead of butterflies in your stomach you may gain a level where you start to feel comfortable in the relationship.
  • It’s important to understand that sometimes making a long-term relationship last is about realizing that when those initial feelings fade away you can choose to keep loving the other person as the relationship grows and changes.
  • If you’re in a long-distance relationship, where much of your relationship is spent over social media or text messages, you may find that your feelings seem to be stronger when you’re together. Or, you may find that your feelings are stronger when you’re apart and you aren’t able to see your partner.
  • If you are post breakup and starting to feel that you are falling in love with them again, it’s more likely that you never stopped loving them. You may just have been distracted with other areas of life or you have an area of your relationship that needed to be addressed.

How do you get someone you love back?

  • After your relationship has ended you may realize that you want your ex back and start to wonder how to make your ex want you back. You may miss spending time together and think it’s a good idea to get back together. Be careful to not rush into making a decision on this. Make sure that you spend time considering the long-term impact of staying apart or getting back together. Spend a week or two following the no contact rule where you avoid communicating with your ex. Don’t send them text messages or stalk their social media accounts to see what they’re up to. Avoid all contact.
  • Instead, spend time with friends. Explore what activities and hobbies make you feel happy. See what makes you the best version of yourself. You may find that you feel good post breakup. You may realize that splitting up was a good idea. If this happens, accept it. Create a step by step plan on how to continue moving forward in a healthy way so you can eventually be in a new relationship where you can fall in love.
  • But, if through the no contact period, you realize that you don’t want to ever fall in love with someone else and you want your ex back, make sure you’re ready. Think about what caused the break up in the first plan. Make sure you have a game plan so that doesn’t happen again. Then, reach out to your ex and be honest about your feelings. Understand that you might need to start out at the beginning stages of the relationship again.
  • If your ex isn’t sure about getting back together, start small. Begin spending time with one another again as friends. Sometimes taking it slow can be good for the long-term success of the relationship. You may need to treat it like a new relationship to help leave the old struggles behind.

How do you tell if your ex boyfriend, girlfriend, or partner is pretending to be over you?

  • Some signs that your ex is pretending to be over you are if they continue to send you text messages often. Or, they may try to spend time with you or act jealous if they see spending time with someone else. You may see that they’re trying to stay in touch with you through social media. Or they may take the opposite approach and try to throw themselves into a new relationship to try to make you jealous. They may hit their social media with posts in an effort to see if they can get a response out of you.

Why can’t I stop thinking about my ex partner, boyfriend, or girlfriend?

  • If you were in a long-term relationship it can be difficult to stop thinking about your ex. They were a part of your life for a long time. You may also find that if you were in a long-distance relationship that it’s hard to stop thinking about them. You were used to going through stages of seeing each other and not. You were also probably used to plenty of social media message and text messages to stay in touch when you were apart.
  • Either way, your routine changes when you are post breakup. It can be a constant reminder of your ex and past relationship. If you try to stay in contact with your ex or are finding yourself wondering how to make your ex want you back, it can be even harder.
  • This is why the no contact rule can be so helpful. It requires you to break all form of communication with your ex for at least a few weeks. It can be a good idea because it can provide you with time and space to heal, recover, and move forward. It forces you to start spending time doing different things that can break your old routines.
  • But it’s important that you stick to it strictly Don’t send them text messages. Consider blocking them from your phone so you aren’t tempted to and you aren’t tempted to look at any messages that they send you. Don’t stay connected with them on social media. You need a complete split. This could even require you to choose to spend time at different locations so you don’t run into each other.
  • Giving yourself this complete split can help you to move past thinking about them. It may be a good idea if you have a game plan to follow in case you happen to bump into your ex out in public. If you were in a long distance relationship, this process may be easier.
  • Now if you try taking a no contact period for several weeks and find that you’re still thinking about them, you may want to consider if it would be a good idea to start a new relationship with your ex, even if it’s as friends. After some time and space, you may realize it’s time to be in contact with them again. Or you may realize that you still have strong feelings for ex and you’re ready to get back together if they want to.

Do exes come back after months after the breakup?

  • Sometimes exes do come back after months. Sometimes after they have had some time and space post breakup that cause them to realize they want to be with you still. You may notice that they start to interact with your social media posts little by little. Or, they may decide it’s a good idea to reach back out to you and start sending you text messages.
  • Before you decide to let them back in and wonder how to make your ex want you back, make sure that you think it’s a good idea for you in the long run. If you don’t think0 it’s time, then don’t respond to their text messages. Don’t accept the advances that they make. And if you’re happy in a new relationship then let them know that so they can try to move on as well.

What percent of exes get back together?

  • The statistics about percentages of exes that get back together are all over the board. Many couples split up and eventually get back together. There are many factors that can play a role in the likelihood of them getting together again post breakup.
  • If you are broken up and find yourself wondering how to make your ex want you back, don’t let the statistics determine what you do. You need to look at your specific situation.

How can you recognize your soulmate?

  • There are different beliefs on if soulmates exist. Some people believe that there is no such thing as soulmates and love is all about finding someone that you’re compatible with and choosing to stick with them. Others believe that you can spot your soulmate at first sight.
  • If you’re trying to determine if you’re with the right person for you, think about how you feel in the relationship. Is it long-term? Do you want it to be? Do you feel like the two of you make each other better by being together? If so, they may be a great fit for you.

How can I make him, my ex boyfriend, want me again?

  • If you want to get back with your ex, the best way to do it depends on your specific relationship. You may find it helpful to stay in contact with him through text messages or social media. Let him know how you feel about him and that you’d like to get back together long-term.
  • If you find that he isn’t receptive to your advances, then it may be a good idea to try a no contact period post breakup. Cut communication with him and spend time doing other things. See if providing him this space helps him to realize that he misses you and wants to get back together.

Will he come back if I stop chasing him?

  • Sometimes following the no contract rule can help your ex to want you back. When you stop chasing them on social media and sending them text messages or calling them, it may provide them with space to start to miss you. If you are constantly trying to win him back then he may not have a chance to process the end of the relationship and what it means to be without you.
  • But you may also find that when you go through this no contact period that you realize you’re ready to move on and might be better off finding a new relationship for the long-term.

What do you say to get someone back?

  • There are no magic words that you can say to get someone back if you’re wondering how to make your ex want you back. The feelings need to be mutual for the relationship to rekindle. Especially if you’ve already dated someone, there’s a lot to consider when it comes to getting back together. Why will things be different this time? What has changed? If you can work through these questions and determine that it’s both worth it and healthy to give it another go, open up a conversation with your ex. Tell them how you feel and see if they are on the same page.

How do you win your love back?

  • Love isn’t something that you should have to win back. If you’re vying for your ex-partner and wondering how to make your ex want you back and what to do when they’re not interested in continuing the relationship, it’ll be an uneven emotional exchange. If you try to win someone back, they’ll have power over you and your feelings. If you’re trying to “win your love back,” think about that long and hard and ask yourself if you want this person to have power over you and your feelings. They could be dating someone new and have already started moving on. Be sure that you want to invest in getting them back. You need to be true to yourself and do what makes you happy outside of relationships. When you’re letting the person that you are shine and embracing your good qualities, you’ll be happier, and people will be drawn toward you. People like confidence and kindness, so foster those qualities in yourself, and love will come naturally.

How do you get someone back after a breakup?

  • If you’re wondering how to make your ex want you back and if you think that getting back together is a possibility and are wondering what to do, strike up a conversation with your ex-partner. Make sure that they’re not dating someone new. You can ask how they’re doing and what they’ve been up to in life. If they’re open to it and seem to be in a good place, share your feelings with them. Maybe, they feel the same way and want to get back together with you. You never know until you try, and you might be surprised as to how things unfold.

How do you make him want you back?

  • If you’re wondering how to make your ex want you back and what to do, the number one thing is be a person that you’d want to be with. Maybe, you did something that hurt your ex-partner during the last round of your relationship. If that’s the case, apologize, and if you’ve worked on yourself since by going to therapy or working through personal issues that caused you to mistreat them, let them know that. If this is someone who hurt you, though, be cautious about trying to get them back. Step outside of the situation and look at how they treated you. If it were your best friend, what would their ex have to do to deserve getting them back? Apply this to yourself. What does your ex have to do to deserve getting you back? If you struggle to hold yourself to a level of esteem that allows you to ask yourself this question, you might consider therapy or counseling. You deserve to have a healthy relationship with excellent communication.

How do you make him, my boyfriend, regret breaking up with you?

  • You can’t necessarily make someone feel anything. Their reactions are their own, and yours are yours. One thing that you can do is work to embrace your good qualities. If you’re creative, take art classes and better your skills. If you’re in school, work hard in your classes and make progress toward your degree. If you’re outgoing, go out with friends and perform or get into public speaking. If you have a job that you love, keep progressing at work. Again, confidence is attractive. Whether or not they think of you and wish they were back together with you, you’ll be proud of yourself for honing your attributes and skills and will attract people in your life naturally.

How do I make my ex boyfriend, girlfriend, or partner regret?

  • You can’t make a person feel regret. The only person that you’re in control of is you. One thing to absolutely avoid doing is to tell them why they should regret letting you go. If you tell them why they should feel regret, you are putting the ball in their court. You’re giving them power. Ask yourself why you want to make your ex feel regret. No matter how much this person hurt you, they don’t deserve to have this kind of power over you.

How to make your ex want you back after he dumped you?

  • Flip the question. Why do you want your ex to want you back if they dumped you? There’s no wrong answer to the question as long as you’re honest with yourself about what it is. Do you feel like it was a great connection where you had fun together? Did they treat you well? What did this person bring out in you, and more importantly, do you like what they brought out in you? What matters at the end of the day is that you like who you are as a person.

Desire to save the relationship – can a relationship be saved after a breakup?

  • A relationship can be saved after a breakup. People get back together all of the time. But both people have to want the relationship for it to work.

How do you get the love of your life back after cheating?

  • You can’t force someone to get back together with you, but if you’re still interested in them, there’s a chance that they feel the same way. If you cheated on someone, you have to have humility, and you have to take responsibility for what you did. Apologize to this person without expecting anything in return. Let them process their feelings and make their own choices. If they want to reconnect in a romantic way, let them make the first step. Couples counseling is likely to be extremely helpful in the case that you and your ex want to get back together after one of you cheated. A licensed mental health professional will help you sort things out so that there’s no resentment or bad blood and will also help you avoid future issues surrounding being unfaithful. If you’re going to get back together with someone after cheating on them, don’t make the same mistake twice. Be realistic with yourself, and if you can’t be faithful, don’t try to get this person back at all.

How do you tell if your ex doesn’t want you back?

  • If you talk to your ex and they tell you that they’re not interested in rekindling, that’s likely the truth, especially if they broke up with you. If you broke up with the person, they might just be saying that they don’t want you back to protect their feelings, or they could be being genuine. If you did indeed break up with them, be aware of that and know that you’ll have to be vulnerable to get them to open up as well. Either way, trust what they’re telling you. If they’re dating someone new, likely, they aren’t interested in getting back together with you. If your ex doesn’t want to try again, you will sense a lack of effort in getting back together on their side.

How do you know if your ex boyfriend, girlfriend, or partner is over you?

  • If your ex is over you, they won’t make an effort to speak to you. That said, not having contact with your ex doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re not thinking of each other. Your ex may have gone silent and still think about you all of the time, so you’ll never know if your ex is over you or not unless you talk to each other about it.

How do you know if your ex boyfriend, girlfriend, or partner is still in love with you?

  • The only way to know if your ex is still in love with you is to have an honest conversation about it where everyone feels safe enough to share their feelings. If you have a friendly relationship, you can open up a conversation about the possibility of still having feelings for each other. That said, use your best judgment and consider how this may impact the friendship if you are indeed friends.

How do you make a boyfriend, girlfriend, or partner regret losing you?

  • It’s crucial to focus on yourself. If your ex sees you thriving, they might regret losing you, but there’s also no way to guarantee that.

How do you make someone, girlfriend, boyfriend, or partner, regret leaving you?

  • Since you can’t control what another person feels or does, the most important thing to do is to work toward being okay, whether they regret leaving you or not. Don’t try to make them regret leaving you; think about how to make yourself happy.

How do you make a guy or boyfriend realize he is losing you?

  • First, look at what is going on that is causing him to lose you. Once you identify what’s going on in the relationship that’s making you want to head out, tell him. Maybe, he’s emotionally unavailable, and that’s making you want to leave. If that’s the case, tell him, “I feel like I need some emotional support. Can I talk to you about how I’m feeling?” Communicating your needs is how you get them met. No one is a mind reader. Even if you believe he knows what he’s doing that’s making him lose you, he might not. Don’t be accusatory – use “I” statements and share with him what you need, not what he’s doing wrong. If you’re having trouble getting your needs met, couples counseling can help.

Do dumpers regret after the breakup?

  • Dumpers often do regret dumping their exes. That said, it depends on the relationship. It’s okay if things don’t work out. People and circumstances change all of the time, and when a person breaks up with you, it doesn’t automatically make them the “bad” guy. It also doesn’t say anything about you. Connections fizzle out sometimes, and that’s okay. A person will likely regret ending the relationship if the connection is still there, but if there’s not one on both sides, there’s no need to force it.

Do exes – boyfriend, girlfriend, or partner – regret breaking up with you?

  • Every relationship is so unique that there’s no one answer to this question. If your ex still has feelings for you, they probably regret breaking up with you. If your ex doesn’t have feelings for you, they might be sad about the end of the partnership but not necessarily regret it.

How do you act around your ex who dumped you after a breakup?

  • How you act around a person that dumped you is dependent on what the current standing of your relationship is. Maybe, things ended badly, and you don’t talk at all. If that’s the case, when you see them in passing, you might not even acknowledge each other. If you’re friends, you might have a casual, kind, and open dialogue just like you would in any other friendship. Whatever the case is, take the high road. You don’t have to “get back” at them or make them regret anything, nor can you control if someone wants to come back to you or not.

Couples Counseling


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Couples Counselling, sometimes called Marriage Counselling, is for anyone in a committed relationship. They may be married, living together, dating, engaged, separated, considering marriage, same-sex or bisexual couples.

Match Soul has worked with couples for 2 years in her private practice setting in PE and Durban

We specialize in helping couples reconnect on an ongoing basis and after injuries occur in a relationship, such as when there has been an affair, either physical or emotional or both. When one or both partners claim to love the other but are not “in love” anymore and when conflict, illness, financial strain or other situations threaten to destroy the relationship.

A word about infidelity: Infidelity happens both in-person and online and is devastating to the couple relationship. It takes a skilled counselor, one familiar with the unique and complex dynamics couples demonstrate, to help couples through these challenging circumstances.

Match Soul practices Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). A method supported by numerous scientific studies and practiced around the world. Using EFT she works with couples, together and individually in a comfortable, private setting where each person feelings, fears, and needs are heard and validated; where they are able to communicate without having the same arguments they have at home and where couples heal the injuries of betrayal and reconnect in meaningful ways.

With Match Soul, couples understand how their arguments affect them and their relationship and they learn new ways of interacting. Throughout the process, couples gain clarity, a renewed sense of connection and hope for the future of the relationship and for their family.

Couples end counseling with Match Soul feeling better and with confidence in their ability to resolve issues and maintain a strong, stable connection and relationship.

There is no need to continue feeling bad. Participation in counseling is a sign of strength and a recognition of the importance of relationship and family.

You’ve thought about it before – this time make the call.   

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Individual Counseling


Image result for Individualindividual counseling is provided by Match Soul.

It is for men and women over the age of 18 that want to improve their lives, relationships and/or mental health.

In a safe and supportive environment, counseling begins with a one-hour “consultation session.” This session is designed for clients to decide if they feel comfortable and for Match Soul to determine if the services offered to meet the client’s needs.

Individual Counselling offers an opportunity for clients to discuss their situation in an objective and non-judgemental environment. Clients are guided toward a deeper understanding of their emotions, thoughts, behaviors, decision-making processes, and their current situation.

The client is considered the “expert” on their own experience and is guided through in-depth explorations into the events, feelings, relationships or stressors that get in their way of leading their most productive lives.

Most people are not sure what to expect in counseling and usually arrive feeling a bit nervous or anxious. Almost all of Match Soul’s clients report feeling very comfortable and supportive in session. They also report that counseling was much “better” than they had imagined.

Following the consultation session, many clients report that they have thought about going to counseling for a long time and that if they had known it would be “like this” they would have done it sooner.

So if you are considering counseling, please be encouraged by the words of other clients, much like you and contact Match Soul today. You will feel much better, even after making the appointment.

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Educated illiterates


Attempts to explain the variations and similarities of men and girls are created by philosophers, church leaders, and day-time TV. All have unsuccessful.

Our ancestors lived in trees, then we have a tendency to evolved. Sort of. once centuries of development men still tend to hunt and gather. Men still contemplate their role to be the supplier, to bring home the clubbed furred issue for lunch. Do ladies still choose their mate for his physical prowess? “Him massive, keep hunter.”

Women still tend to nurture and play their substantiating role in our homes manufactured from sticks and stone. it’s ladies WHO have this distinctive ability in contact a lot of hunters. it’s ladies WHO still prepare the dead furred issue by combining it with organic matter plucked type the planet. Do men choose their ladies supported physical kid bearing attributes? “Big things, keep mother.”

Anthropologists have offered indisputable scientific proof that men and girls square measure totally different, and have evolved per some reasonably physical law and cultural rule. They tell North American country men and girls have behaved abundant an equivalent since the start. thus by currently we must always have it all worked out. Men and girls ought to sleep in their cave and type a bond, supported their primitive got to please the opposite and to safeguard their dependent relationship.

If it were thus, then however can we account for the divorce rate? however can we account for the thousands of sad marriages? Sir Isaac Newton, a seventeenth Century human, would possibly make a case for it mistreatment his laws of physics.

  1. “An object at rest tends to remain at rest associate degreed associate degree object in motion tends to remain in motion with an equivalent speed and within the same direction unless acted upon by an unbalanced force.”

Soccer mama drives the SUV from field to field and can still do thus unless she is interrupted by a stationary object referred to as a post. cookery and improvement mama tends to continue cookery and improvement unless she must rush to aerobic exercise category, or acquire the youngsters.

Working man tends to remain at work unless he’s interrupted with asking to point out up before the diner is cold, and produce home a loaf of bread. TV man tends to remain at rest unless the sport is over and must use the sandbox, or is out of brewage, or both.

  1. “The acceleration of associate degree object as created by a internet force is directly proportional to the magnitude of cyberspace force, within the same direction because the internet force, and reciprocally proportional to the mass of the thing.”

Most people think about this as dropping bricks and feathers from tall buildings. It’s extremely a relevance the connection habits of man and lady. See, back within the seventeenth century, and anthropologists can agree, ladies were thought-about to be objects, and men were the force.

If you scan the 2d law once more it’d be:

She moves quicker to her mother or to her lover once he pushes her more durable. Or, he pushes her by doing nothing in any respect, particularly round the house on weekends once he claims that he has to rest thus he will still work associate degreed earn cash thus she will have the SUV to require the youngsters to football and ballet and swimming and rush home to cook and end the laundry and be prepared for sex once he’s finished taking part in on the pc and gets an erection.

  1. “For each action, there’s associate degree equal and opposite reaction.”

This simple author firmly believes and affirms that Sir Isaac’s third law explains close to each relationship issue between man and lady.

This physics law, this law of nature, this universal man-woman law, explains what’s aiming to happen to him once he forgets her birthday. It additionally explains why she get’s him precisely the right color protect his golf clubs, or the proper size shirt with the button down collar that goes along with his pants that she gave him last month.

The third law additionally explains why she reacts the approach she will once he brings her flowers. Or phones her once he are late. Or doesn’t forget her birthday. Or takes her to dinner, or takes the youngsters to football thus she will have a rest. Or provides her a hug. Or stops what he’s doing, or not doing, and easily listens to her.

Or says, “I love you” and suggests that it.

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How to overcome on stress


Learning how to cope with stress has become increasingly important as our society evolves and becomes more complex. Stress factors can be dealt with in a variety of ways. And depending upon the “severity” of your stress, you may benefit from first discussing how to cope with stress with your physician before trying something new.

For milder forms of stress there are a multitude of techniques. These range from taking 5 minutes breaks to play a stress relief game, to exercise, meditation, taking a vacation, or spending time with a favorite hobby. There are more helpful resources and links on how to cope with stress at the end of this article.

For more severe cases including chronic stress (again, check with your doctor), it seems an easy way for people to cope with stress is through prescription medicines. There are numerous types of medications available on the market.

Some of the well-known names are Lexapro, Prozac, Paxil, Wellbutrin, and Zoloft. Each has its ups and downs, offering relief for some and more anxiety for others. The side effects of medications can sometimes do more harm than good. Often a patient – with the aid of their doctor – may have to try a variety of them before finding one that suits their needs. Beware: Prescription medications can be addicting.

What else is good to know about how to cope with stress?

Some alternative treatments for stress include self-help, diet and nutrition, pastoral counseling, and again, exercise. All of these are considered natural treatments and will not cause any further detriment to the body or the mind. What they will do is offer ways to deal with stress and at the same time build awareness to the inner peace that lies within each of us, when performed correctly.

And these are generally effective for mild and moderate forms of stress. Plus they’re often used in conjunction with prescription medicines for more severe cases of stress.

Self-help, also referred to as self-treatment, usually includes joining a self-help group. Many find these groups to be invaluable resources for recovery and empowerment as they learn how to cope with stress.

In these group sessions you’ll encounter others dealing with stress, others who have overcome stress, and others who have dealt with life-disrupting events. Self-help groups are anonymous, free of charge, and widely available.

Often overlooked is the power of maintaining the right diet and nutrition. Eating right can help reduce stress tremendously. Avoid (or at least seriously minimize) things such as caffeine and alcohol. Ingest vitamins such as vitamin B and thiamine to also help diminish your stress level.

Unfortunately many stress suffering individuals turn to food and alcohol as forms of salvation which can be detrimental to their health. Speak with a nutritionist about what you’re eating; you may be surprised at what a few changes will make.

If you have faith in God consider pastoral counseling. Speaking with your minister or pastor might be more comfortable than seeking out an unfamiliar counselor. In their work these leaders typically learn a great deal on how to cope with stress that they can share with you. Then again, prayer and spirituality may be all you need to make you feel at ease with the world around you.

As always, exercise is one of the greatest tools. But instead we tend to use our stressors as reasons why not to exercise. There’s no need to join a gym or purchase expensive equipment. Just take a leisurely stroll or a quiet bike ride. The nature that surrounds you will create clarity and sanctity.

So as you can see there are many ways to reduce stress. And there are some important facts to learn about how to cope with stress in order to maximize your personal results. Think about your options and together with your physician you can choose what’s best for you. Don’t give up, stress can be demolished.

Fear Of Intimacy


Emotional intimacy is one of the most wonderful experiences we ever have. Nothing else really comes close to the experience of sharing our deepest thoughts and feelings with another, of being deeply seen and known, of sharing love, passion, laughter, joy, and/or creativity. The experience of intimacy fills our souls and takes away our loneliness.

Why, then, would someone be afraid of intimacy?

It is not actually the intimacy itself that people fear. If people could be guaranteed that intimacy would continue to be a positive experience, they would have no fear of it. What they fear is the possibility of getting hurt as a result of being intimate with another.

Many people have two major fears that may cause them to avoid intimacy: the fear of rejection – of losing the other person, and the fear of engulfment – of being invaded, of being controlled and losing oneself.

Because we have all learned to react to conflict with various controlling behaviors – from anger and blame to compliance, withdrawal, and resistance – every relationship presents us with these issues of rejection and engulfment. If one person gets angry, the other may feel rejected or controlled and get angry back, give themselves up, withdraw or resist. If one person shuts down, the other may feel rejected and become judgmental, which may trigger the other’s fears of engulfment, and so on. These protective circles exist in one form or another in every relationship. When the fears of rejection and engulfment become too great, a person may decide that it is just painful to be in a relationship and they avoid intimacy altogether.

Yet avoiding relationships leads to loneliness and lack of emotional and spiritual growth. Relationships offer us the most powerful arena for personal growth, if we accept this challenge. So what moves us beyond the fear of intimacy?

The fear exists, not because of the experience itself, but because a person doesn’t know how to handle the situations of being rejected or controlled. The secret of moving beyond the fear of intimacy lies in developing a powerful loving adult part of us that learns how to not take rejection personally, and learns to set appropriate limits against engulfment.

When we learn how to take personal responsibility for defining our own worth instead of making others’ love and approval responsible for our feelings of worth, we will no longer take rejection personally. This does not mean that we will like rejection – it means we will no longer be afraid of it and have a need to avoid it.

When we learn how to speak up for ourselves and not allow others to invade, smother, dominate and control us, we will no longer fear losing ourselves in a relationship. Many people, terrified of losing the other person, will give themselves up in the hope of controlling how the other person feels about them. They believe that if they comply with another’s demands, the other will love them. Yet losing oneself is terrifying, so many people stay out of relationships due to this fear. If they were to learn to define their own worth and stand up for themselves, the fear would disappear.

The Inner Bonding process we teach is a process designed to create a powerful inner adult self capable of not taking rejection personally and of setting limits against loss of self. Anyone can learn this six-step process and, with practice, heal fears of intimacy. Through practicing the Inner Bonding process, you learn to value and cherish who you really are and take full responsibility for your own feelings of worth, lovability, safety, security, pain and joy. When you deeply value yourself, you do not take rejection personally and become non-reactive to rejection. When you value yourself, you will not give yourself up to try to control another’s feelings about you. When you value yourself, you are willing to lose another rather than lose yourself.

You can start to learn the powerful Inner Bonding process now by downloading our Free Inner Bonding Course. Moving beyond your fears of intimacy will open you to the deep personal and spiritual growth that relationships can provide and the profound fulfillment and joy that loving relationships can offer.

Couples Counseling


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Couples Counselling, sometimes called Marriage Counselling, is for anyone in a committed relationship. They may be married, living together, dating, engaged, separated, considering marriage, same-sex or bisexual couples.

Match Soul has worked with couples for 2 years in her private practice setting in PE and Durban

We specialize in helping couples reconnect on an ongoing basis and after injuries occur in a relationship, such as when there has been an affair, either physical or emotional or both. When one or both partners claim to love the other but are not “in love” anymore and when conflict, illness, financial strain or other situations threaten to destroy the relationship.

A word about infidelity: Infidelity happens both in-person and online and is devastating to the couple relationship. It takes a skilled counselor, one familiar with the unique and complex dynamics couples demonstrate, to help couples through these challenging circumstances.

Match Soul practices Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). A method supported by numerous scientific studies and practiced around the world. Using EFT she works with couples, together and individually in a comfortable, private setting where each person feelings, fears, and needs are heard and validated; where they are able to communicate without having the same arguments they have at home and where couples heal the injuries of betrayal and reconnect in meaningful ways.

With Match Soul, couples understand how their arguments affect them and their relationship and they learn new ways of interacting. Throughout the process, couples gain clarity, a renewed sense of connection and hope for the future of the relationship and for their family.

Couples end counseling with Match Soul feeling better and with confidence in their ability to resolve issues and maintain a strong, stable connection and relationship.

There is no need to continue feeling bad. Participation in counseling is a sign of strength and a recognition of the importance of relationship and family.

You’ve thought about it before – this time make the call.   

0620821457

The Inner Child – An Introduction to Dialoguing


“So, like a forgotten fire, a childhood can always flare up again within us.”

~Gaston Bachelard

Have you ever noticed that, despite our best efforts, we sometimes behave like children?

There is a child inside all of us, whether we realize it or not. And sometimes we return to that child-like state. Often, this is a good thing – letting us tap into our playfulness, innocence, and amazement at the world. But at other times, it is the child’s vulnerabilities, dependencies, and insecurities that are reactivated.

A neglected and denied child – reflecting unresolved wounds, old beliefs, and values – can destroy our lives in ways we do not realize. We might interact with the opposite sex with the awkwardness of a ten-year-old, or speak to our boss with the fear of a lost little boy. As Nathaniel Branden said in How to Raise Your Self-Esteem, many of us try to become an adult by pushing away and ignoring this child – but the real path to adulthood is recognizing this child, making friends with it.

This post introduces a simple, versatile and yet very powerful process. It simply involves conversing with your disowned parts. While introduced with the inner child, this process is extremely effective in other forms of personal growth, such as shadow and sub-personality work. (Of which the rest of the series will go into detail.)

Who Has Been Hurt?

A long time ago, I bumped into a woman who was sitting behind me in a restaurant. It was an accident, but her husband began telling me off. I apologized a few times, but he ignored me and kept shouting. Eventually, I told him to stop making a scene, and walked off. At the end of the night, as he walked past me on his way out of the restaurant, he gave me a fierce glare.

And this was the surprising part, for I suddenly felt an overwhelming sense of abandonment, hurt, and fear. It made no sense to me. All the rage he had displayed before had not disturbed me, and I had no reason to be afraid, for he was half my size and twice my age. And yet – why this irrational sorrow, and why did it last for weeks after the event?

One day I found out why. I was reliving the event in my mind’s eye during a session of emotional work, when on a whim I removed the “camera” from out of my eyes and turned it around on myself. I was shocked at what I saw. It wasn’t the adult me who was sitting in the chair being glared at, it was a little boy of about six years old. I recognised that face; it was me.

The Child Has Always Been There

Almost everyone who has been in the world of personal development will have heard of the inner child. For a long time, I refused to do any work with it. Like many men, I cringed at the thought I had a soft and vulnerable side, and that attitude had kept me in suffering. But inside the mental scene, I was stunned. It was the first time I had been brought face to face with something I had denied my entire life, and I didn’t know what to do, for the boy was scared to tears.

I immediately injected my adult self into the scene, and rushed over to pick him up. I put everything else on “pause”, just like a video recording. I sat him on my knee, and held him tight as he began to cry. He was hurt, he told me. He hadn’t done anything wrong on purpose. It was just an accident and he had already apologized so many times. Why did that man still hate him? What else could he have done? Had the man been sitting there glaring at him for the entire night without him knowing?

As I held him, I realised that these thoughts, fears, and questions had been in my mind ever since the event. But I had resisted them every step of the way. I wanted to be strong, and my entire adult life, I did that by burying my sadness so deeply that I had to spend weeks relearning how to cry. I pushed the fearful child away by spending years in boxing and martial arts. And all that did was send an entire part of me, as Branden puts it, into an alienated oblivion.

This was the biggest reason one glare had hurt me for so long. I could not admit these feelings. This is worth re-reading, for many readers will find this difficult to accept. It wasn’t that man who had caused the hurt. He had merely triggered years and years of similar pains, of identical fears.

The Inner Child

As a child, each of us has been neglected, hurt, abandoned, or spat on in one way or another. This is true even for those with relatively happy childhoods. Sometimes it is what others had done to us; sometimes it is our own self-reproach for things we had done or not done, feelings we have had or not had. We might have hated ourselves for being needy, for being hurt, for being angry, for believing in things our parents didn’t.

In other words, we carry unresolved suffering inside us, and out of fear, pain, or embarrassment, we deny it. This is often undeniable for those who have had painful childhoods – the suffering there would be something we would do anything not to revisit. And so we lock the child – us – into a dark dungeon and drown out their cries with cigarettes, alcohol, drugs, sex, and work.

As psychiatrist R.D. Laing said – We choose to forget who we are, and forget that we have forgotten.

And yet, no matter how much we deny it, the child will not – cannot – go away. It needs to be integrated, accepted, and given lots of conscious attention and compassion, even if what they have to say is painful for us to hear. Only then, can we express all of his or her emotions in a healthy, mature manner. Only then, can we allow the child to be reintegrated.

Meeting The Child

So what exactly do we do? Meeting the child is a process that is alive, creative, and flowing. It would be an injustice to reduce it to a series of steps. It would also be unwise, because this process is unique to each person.

It is for these reasons that I have gone into so much detail in my own description, for you to get a feel of the ideas, and to do your own thing. The most important thing is to let everything come to you naturally, without forcing anything. My experience was based on how my mind works, so please don’t get locked in. Your experience can be completely different, and doesn’t even have to be visual. The child can be of any age, as long as it feels right to you. It is important not to have any expectations, or we might simply interact with what we think is inside us, leading to further denial. Allow yourself to be surprised.

Besides working with a specific event, another approach is visiting the child as he or she is right now. Allow yourself to get a clear image of what she looks like in your mind. A photograph will be helpful if you have one.

What is she doing?
Where is she?
What is he feeling?
What does he want to say?
What does he want?
What does she want to show you?
What does she need from you?

William DeFoore, in Anger, warns that sometimes the inner child might be too hurt or frightened to build a proper connection. Sometimes this concept is still too awkward. Please don’t give up too early; it is one of the most powerful things I use.

Interacting With The Child

Interact with the child. Treat him with as much compassion as you can. How would you want to be talked to, if you were in her position? It is important to let them have their say, and let them have their full experience. Some of us might impose our adult views on the child – telling it to toughen up and stop being such a crybaby, for instance. But isn’t that how we have hurt him in the first place? Don’t try to talk her out of her feelings. We can apologise to her for having ignored her for all these years, and promise to love her and hold her the next time she is hurt.

Nathaniel Branden provides several questions we can ask ourselves at this point. The most helpful would be – What can I do to be kinder to the child? What does she do when she feels ignored by me? What does he do when he feels I am treating him harshly? How have I been treating the child up to this day? What did you need to do to survive?

Step into Their World

The final step, then, is to become the child. Step into her world, and see things from her perspective. Feel as he feels. Speak as she speaks. Position your body as he would be. Perhaps he is curled up on the floor; perhaps she is sitting in the corner, or hiding under the blanket.

Become all the things that you have noticed about the child throughout the previous conversations. If she is scared, then be scared yourself. If he just wants to skip work today and curl in bed, then feel it. This doesn’t mean you have to act on it, of course, but in this process, mentally reclaim these traits, tendencies, and feelings as your own. This is perhaps the most vital step. It is to be expected that this feels awkward, as we finally aligning ourselves with what we have pushed aside for so long.

The insights that come from this can be truly striking. I won’t provide examples here, though, as there is always a tendency to start searching for insights similar to what we’ve read. It is always a good idea to return to the adult self and interact with and love the child again, based on what you’ve discovered.

Remember with any process that safety and respect for yourself and those around you is always the top priority.

Cleaning Up After The Dialogue

At the end of the experience, take some time to work with whatever has arisen. There are two general approaches to this – the emotions and the feelings.

There are two ways of working with emotions: Feeling them completely, or releasing them. Throughout the entire process, either one of these should be happening by itself, since dialoguing is meant for us to get in touch with our feelings. However, I can’t be sure, as I’ve been releasing for so long that it happens automatically no matter what I do. Therefore, it is a good idea to try and do this consciously. Try to release or welcome your emotions throughout the entire dialogue, and also to take little breaks in between, and afterwards, to work with them.

Another powerful approach would be using The Work of Byron Katie with any beliefs or statements your child self presents to you. I would recommend it only for the more experienced, though. For example, my child cried and told me that it is hopeless, and that he would be hated no matter what he did. It was very healing to gently take him through the four questions and find that his perceptions had been distorted and he had believed a lie.

Building Intimacy Through Listening 


What is self-worth?


 

Self-worth is as it sounds: how much we feel we’re worth. How good we are at certain sports, how easily we make friends, how much we weigh, how good we are at our jobs etc.

Self-help psychology tends to assume there is an intrinsic link between self-worth and self-esteem, and that the key to bettering a person’s self-esteem is to change that person’s perception of his/her self-worth. If you believe that you’re worthy and valuable in all sorts of regards you’ll feel better about yourself.

While this can be the case it can also be much simpler than that, provided it’s realized that emotional well-being and self-worth don’t have to be linked.

When self-worth is linked to self-esteem (how good we feel about ourselves) the relationship is pretty proportional. If we have a sense of little or no self-worth we feel terrible about ourselves and if we have high self-worth it’s the opposite.

Our sense of self-worth can fluctuate with our changes in circumstances, and I doubt positive mantras and visualization exercises are always enough to combat the simple knowledge that in some areas you really do suck. There’s an alternative to trying to change your perception of self-worth to weigh up the scales well.

Understanding self-worth

Your self-esteem is likely connected to a sense of worth and value – it’s the same for almost everyone. But that sense is down to the value and worth you can be to others and not necessarily are to others.

Alone on a desert island, what are you worth? A lot? A little? In that situation you are completely worthless – you are of no use to anyone. But would that sense of worthlessness on that island bother you? Could you imagine any lone castaway battling with a sense of self-worth? That would be ridiculous. As Tom Hanks taught us, ice skate dentistry and argumentative footballs will always take priority.

In a more direct example: what might people suffering from low self-worth worry about when they wake up: whether they will contribute value to their work today or whether they can contribute value?

Our concern for self-worth is in our capacity, not in our contribution. Marooned on an island, unable to be of value to anyone, we just get on with surviving. Throw us back into civilization and the business of self-worth appears again. The key to self-esteem is not necessarily in boosting self-worth, but simply in detaching our self-esteem from our self-worth.

Just as self-worth isn’t an issue when it comes to survival on a desert island so it need not be an issue in civilization when you’re just trying to achieve happiness.

People doing very well at what they do…

Most people who do really well aren’t in the media at all, if ever. In the following examples, I’m going to refer just to celebrities though, as it makes for easier writing and reading.

When you see celebrities on TV, especially in interviews, have you ever noticed how some seem very big-headed and others seem rather humble? They all know they ought to look modest, of course, but you can often tell when some are putting on an act and others genuinely have no interest in tooting their own horns.

Such celebrities can have equal levels of success in their different fields, yet behave very differently.

People with low self-worth which is linked to self-esteem

Some celebrities are very successful at what they do, yet have low self-worth. Maybe they’re worried that their fame comes from hype and not their accomplishments, maybe they feel really worthless in some other area…but somehow or other despite the glow of the media spotlight they still feel not quite worth enough. Such people can strike us as cocky, boastful, big-headed or even just narcissistic – using pride to cover up a deeper-seated feeling of worthlessness.

They’re better off with high self-worth.

People with high self-worth which is linked to self-esteem

Some celebrities have high self-worth…and they can still strike us as cocky, boastful and big-headed, but they’re obviously better off than those with low self-worth.

It’s still not ideal though as it doesn’t offer much security. The world’s best ballerina may have soaring self-worth (as in literally her worth as a dancer) but that would vanish if she became paralyzed. If these people lose the thing which makes them valuable to others, they will emotionally crash down into low self-esteem – and it will be a long fall.

They’re better off not thinking in terms of self-worth, thus having no link between that notion and self-esteem.

People who don’t think in terms of self-worth

There are also plenty of celebrities who don’t seem to think in terms of self-worth and these are perhaps the easiest to name.

Tony Hawk, Jackie Chan, Warren Buffet, Stephen King, Will Smith…they’re very down to Earth and quite humble. It’s not so much that they have high self-worth but that they don’t apply any level of worth to themselves – low or high. As mentioned earlier, we can all easily not think in terms of self-worth in various situations, the challenge is to think like this consistently – irrespective of our circumstances.

Transcending the self-worth model

The better cure for self-worth is just to leave that system rather than try to win at it. In the system of self-worth, you’re either low on it and you need more to feel good about yourself, or you have plenty and you’re happy with yourself – but that happiness can be taken away in an instant if you suddenly lose the thing which makes you valuable.

If you opt-out of that mentality you’ll always have self-worth (literally a level of value to others), but it can simply have no emotional relevance to you and won’t be something you give much thought to.

How to do this…

I’m not a perfect example when it comes to thinking beyond self-worth (though the guy I share my blog with is…damn him) but I find as time goes on I get better and better at disregarding self-worth by doing one particular thing and avoiding another:

Remembering self-worth is a construct

Simply reminding myself of what this article is about is usually enough to kick me out of thoughts of self-worth. Self-worth isn’t a mental model I’d have to deal with alone on a desert island and I don’t have to deal with it in my present circumstances here in civilization either.

Not ‘faking it ‘til I make it’

I’m not sure I’ve ever done this. I hope I never do. ‘Fake it until you make it’ is such a business thing and it really promotes the self-worth mental model. Pretending to be more successful than you are until you reach that level of success for real…well it might be good for business but until you get the success for real you’re really stirring up self-worth troubles.

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