Unconditional Acceptance for Our Totality, Part 2

Published January 28, 2012 by matchsoul

If we are alert enough, we’ll notice that we are always on guard. We watch our words; we watch our actions; we don’t express our beliefs. We can’t admit to ourselves that we are afraid, that we are angry, or hurt. We deny our desires and fantasies. We try to forget our past, pretend that it never happened.

And so, even when we are alone, we cut off and deny entire portions of our inner life – every waking moment of our lives. This has become so natural to us that we are not even aware of it.

Releasing Who They Are

But have we ever stopped to see what we are really doing? Our thoughts and beliefs are as much a part of us as our bodies are – if not more so! When we deny and repress them, what are we doing? We’re cutting, trimming, and breaking ourselves, just so we can fit into a metal box, just so we can feel safer, more acceptable. As Nathaniel Branden puts it – we spend our entire lives alienated from ourselves.

So there is a gift we can give to our loved ones – our total, unconditional, acceptance. Try it. Just listen; just watch, while holding non-judgemental compassion in your hearts. Give them the space and acceptance to be who they are, let them express everything they’ve held back. Let them show their vulnerability, sadness, anger, and spitefulness. Let them state their beliefs, even those that make us uncomfortable, those that go against everything we stand for – even our religious and political beliefs.

And slowly, you will see them let their guards down. They begin to climb out of their prison, uncramping themselves, healing themselves. Slowly, over the weeks and months, they feel safe enough to get in touch with themselves – they become truly human. How can there be true love otherwise? All other affection is plastic, fake – wasted on the prison they are hiding in.

Stunted Emotions

The most prominent constraint would be the one we construct around our feelings. Take sadness as an example; many people cannot show a natural range. My entire life, I have forced my grief down. Others have judged me too many times – silently or overtly – as somehow broken or useless for the simple act of being sad. Gradually, I began to judge myself the same way, even when I was by myself – I hated any sign of weakness, any sign that I was less than a rock. And so it began to pile up until one day I collapsed from the strain of it, becoming an empty shell, a parody of who I used to be.

The long depression began to lift when I simply let myself be sad. That was all I needed for change to begin. I let myself do things I had never allowed myself to do. I curled up on the floor and cried. I admitted to myself how hurt I really was, that I felt rejected, cast aside, humiliated, and spat on. I dropped my pretence, even if it was just for me.

Out of Invisibility

How many people can simply let a grieving friend grieve? How many have told them to put their chin up, to face the world with a smile? Others might have been blunter – stop being such a wimp, they might say. Stop whining. Certainly, some may have the best intentions. But they are unaware that they are devaluing a vital, core, part of the very person they are trying to help.

I remember, a long time ago, a personal discussion with a friend. She had been put through events that were many times worse than anything I had experienced. When she asked me why I had been depressed, I felt almost ashamed in telling her – I thought my reasons were petty and insignificant, and many others had implied the same.

But her reply was new to me. She told me she would never trivialise my pain, that it must have been horrible for me, and that it was just as valid a reason as hers. I remember how those few words made me feel. That was the moment I understood why Nathaniel Branden calls visibility one of the most important ingredients in self-esteem and happiness. How can we be truly human, if nobody accepts such a basic part of who we are?

The Rest Of Our Inner Life

What about the rest of one’s inner life – thoughts and beliefs, desires and fantasies, even likes and dislikes? Just like our feelings, we might have been attacked, humiliated, or made to feel wrong for them.

And once again, we have internalised these critics, and cut off an entire part of ourselves. These can be major – religious beliefs, for example – but not always. I remember when I was about twelve, and I saved up enough to buy a new CD for myself. I was excited, and showed it to an adult I looked up to. He took a glance and said, “What kind of idiot listens to that?” And for a long time afterwards, I always felt somehow stupid simply because I liked a genre of music he didn’t.

Can we let our loved ones express themselves healthily and safely? Can we let them express their beliefs, even if it clashes with our own? Can we allow them completely to be as they are?

Give your loved one the gift of visibility. It is simple, but not always easy – just acknowledge who they are, what they are going through, with empathy and respect.

Safety and Respect for All Involved

To close off this article, and in preparation for Part 3, please remember we are discussing unconditional acceptance and respect for all involved. This includes you, and never means we abandon self-protection, self-respect, or ethical action. We can accept someone’s anger and still restrain them if they get violent. We can accept someone’s depression and still restrain them if they attempt to hurt themselves.

Advertisements

143 comments on “Unconditional Acceptance for Our Totality, Part 2

  • One more issue is that video gaming became one of the all-time biggest forms of recreation for people spanning various ages. Kids play video games, and adults do, too. The XBox 360 is just about the favorite video games systems for individuals that love to have a huge variety of activities available to them, in addition to who like to relax and play live with other people all over the world. Many thanks for sharing your notions.

  • Just want to say your article is as amazing. The clearness for your submit is simply great and that i could think you’re an expert on this subject. Well with your permission allow me to grasp your RSS feed to keep updated with forthcoming post. Thanks 1,000,000 and please carry on the gratifying work.

  • An interesting discussion is definitely worth comment. I think that you should publish more about this topic, it might not be a taboo matter but usually people don’t discuss such subjects. To the next! Best wishes!!

  • I wanted to check up and allow you to know how much I liked discovering your web blog today. I will consider it a real honor to work at my place of work and be able to operate on the tips discussed on your website and also be a part of visitors’ opinions like this. Should a position regarding guest publisher become available at your end, remember to let me know.

  • I like what you guys are up too. Such clever work and reporting! Carry on the excellent works guys I have incorporated you guys to my blogroll. I think it’ll improve the value of my site :). “The part can never be well unless the whole is well.” by Saul Bellow.

  • Nice read, I just passed this onto a colleague who was doing a little research on that. And he actually bought me lunch as I found it for him smile Thus let me rephrase that: Thanks for lunch! “They may forget what you said, but they will never forget how you made them feel.” by Carl W. Buechner.

  • Howdy! This article couldn’t be written much better! Looking through this post reminds me of my previous roommate! He constantly kept preaching about this. I will forward this article to him. Pretty sure he will have a great read. Thank you for sharing!

  • An interesting discussion is worth comment. I think that you should write more on this topic, it might not be a taboo subject but generally people are not enough to speak on such topics. To the next. Cheers

  • I truly love your site.. Great colors & theme. Did you create this amazing site yourself? Please reply back as I’m planning to create my very own website and would like to know where you got this from or just what the theme is named. Cheers!

  • I’m really impressed with your writing skills as well as with the layout on your blog. Is this a paid theme or did you customize it yourself? Either way keep up the nice quality writing, it is rare to see a nice blog like this one nowadays..

  • I liked as much as you will obtain performed right here. The comic strip is attractive, your authored subject matter stylish. however, you command get bought an shakiness over that you want be delivering the following. sick surely come further earlier again as precisely the same just about very continuously inside case you shield this increase.

  • Hi there! I know this is kind of off topic but I was wondering if you knew where I could get a captcha plugin for my comment form? I’m using the same blog platform as yours and I’m having trouble finding one? Thanks a lot!

  • It’s truly a great and helpful piece of info. I am satisfied that you simply shared this helpful information with us. Please stay us up to date like this. Thank you for sharing.

  • Its such as you learn my mind! You appear to know a lot about this, such as you wrote the e-book in it or something. I think that you simply can do with a few % to power the message home a little bit, however instead of that, this is wonderful blog. A great read. I will certainly be back.

  • Thanks so much for giving everyone a very remarkable opportunity to read from this blog. It really is so pleasing and also jam-packed with a good time for me and my office mates to search the blog at least thrice a week to study the newest secrets you have got. Not to mention, I am just certainly motivated for the powerful tactics you serve. Certain two tips on this page are unequivocally the simplest we have had.

  • hey there and thank you for your info – I’ve certainly picked up something new from right here. I did however expertise a few technical points using this web site, as I experienced to reload the website lots of times previous to I could get it to load correctly. I had been wondering if your web host is OK? Not that I’m complaining, but sluggish loading instances times will often affect your placement in google and could damage your quality score if advertising and marketing with Adwords. Well I am adding this RSS to my email and could look out for a lot more of your respective fascinating content. Make sure you update this again very soon..

  • Youre so cool! I dont suppose Ive read something like this before. So nice to search out somebody with some authentic thoughts on this subject. realy thanks for starting this up. this website is one thing that is needed on the net, somebody with just a little originality. useful job for bringing one thing new to the internet!

  • Leave a Reply

    Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

    WordPress.com Logo

    You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

    Twitter picture

    You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

    Facebook photo

    You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

    Google+ photo

    You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

    Connecting to %s

    %d bloggers like this: