Published December 7, 2011 by matchsoul

Every Mistake is countable in Relationship

Are pain and hurt from past relationships standing in the way of love?
Gun shy.
Jaded.
Cynical.
Damaged goods.
Burned too many times.
Afraid to stick even a toe in the water.

These words might feel apropos to where you are right now. Maybe you dream of finding the perfect partner for you but are terrified of getting hurt again. Perhaps you’ve given up your hope of being in love because what you want seems literally impossible.

Love can feel so good and it can also hurt so bad.

If you’re considering dating again after a past breakup or divorce, then you may be moving hesitantly and cautiously. When you meet new people or you go on a date, perhaps you hold back and don’t let yourself get too open or connect in too deeply with the other person.

There’s nothing wrong with being smart about dating and relationships. We certainly do not advise anyone to ignore the lessons of the past. Even in a painful betrayal, there are valuable lessons to be learned.

But, if you think your lesson is something like…. “I can’t trust anybody” or…. “Cheating is unavoidable,” this is bound to stand in the way of you attracting the kind of partner you’re looking for. These aren’t lessons actually, they’re beliefs that are rooted in lingering hurt.

It’s not going to benefit you or the relationship you might be on the verge of if you carry beliefs like these with you. Trust and connection are essential to a fulfilling, close and healthy relationship. These are nearly impossible to develop when you continually put up walls and hold back so that you don’t get hurt again.

Make completions with the past.

One powerful way to open yourself up to the kind of love you’ve dreamed of is to come to a potential or new relationship with as little baggage as you possibly can.

You’re going to bring preconceived notions to a date and relationship. It happens. The trick is to acknowledge your preconceived notions and do your best to greet this new person as a new person…and not just a variation of your ex.

Make completions so that you can minimize your baggage and really get to know your date for who he or she is.

Completions are actions you take that help you come to some level of peace with what happened in the past and then let it go. When you make a completion, you aren’t pretending that you weren’t cheated on, lied to, abandoned or hurt in some way. You are not literally wiping your memory clean of past loves.

What you are doing is to move what happened in the past to your memory and out of the forefront of your mind. When you make a completion by burning old photographs, re-decorating a bedroom or some other act that is symbolically significant, you release the prominence that your old relationship (and the pain you associate with it) has for you.

Heal any insecurities you have.

Another reason why many people hold back when dating or in a new relationship is because they feel insecure. Feeling self-conscious or having low self esteem can be linked to painful past relationships. Insecurity can also be present long before that.If you are insecure, admit it to yourself. Have the courage to see through your own defenses and false faces you put on for others. Look at what you habitually think about yourself and how you interact with others so that you can understand what keeps feeding your self-consciousness.

For example, if you have a tendency to look at other men or women and compare yourself to them, stop! The comparing game is one you will never win. Even if you find people whom you feel superior to in some way, there will always lurk within you the fear that you’re not better (or more attractive, sexier, smarter, successful, etc.) than another person.

Learn how to value who you are for who you are– not for how you think you measure up next to someone else.

Open and trust in wise ways.

We’re not advising you to blindly trust everybody you meet, date or get into a relationship with. Be wise and aware. Pay attention to any warning signs that tell you that this person’s words and actions aren’t matching up or that what the person claims is inconsistent.

Focus in on the reliable information you have about the person you are with and make a decision about whether or not he or she is trustable from that.

Know that even if you’ve had a really lousy track record when it comes to relationships, it’s never too late to heal and finally find the love you want and that you deserve.

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